World Cup: L!F!G! Edition

Or, Let's At Least Survive Edition

Hello, my friends. Welcome to Colby Angus Black Friday.

Hope your Matchweek 1 and Thanksgiving treated you well.

I’d hoped to get this out a touch earlier but:

1. I have a one year old kid.

2. Thanksgiving kicked my ass

3. When my alarm went off at 5 am to watch Wales-Iran, I hit snooze.

4. We started moving “just this one piece of furniture” in the living room, and it led to unplugging and replugging absolutely everything, while unloading and reloading 500 pounds of records.

5. I had to reinstall the cover to the carseat after 4 rounds of vomitting last weekend, and boy are my arms tired.

Regardless, here we are.

I’d like to throw you 5 things you can say during the match this afternoon to sound smart-ish.

1. We don’t have to beat England. We don’t even have to tie England. Doing so would sure be nice, and would set us up to possibly win the group and dodge the Dutch in the first knockout round, but … we can get drilled 7-0¹ by the Lions today and, as long as we beat Iran² and Wales don’t beat England on Tuesday, we will still advance.³

2. If they’re on the pitch, “We need to be going right at Harry Maguire and (this really hurts me) Trent Alexander-Arnold.”

3. It’s “offside,” not “offsides.” There’s only one side to be off of. I guess.

4. “To Americans, it’s soccer. To most of the rest of the world, (including England, the birthplace of the modern sport,) it’s football. But what most people don’t know is that the word “soccer” is not in fact an American invention. On the contrary, it was an import from England, and one that was commonly used there until relatively recently.”

5. “Jordan Pickford has the arms of a T-Rex and the brain of one, too.”

6. England have never beaten the US in the Men’s World Cup when “God Save the King” was their national anthem. In 1950 in Brazil, they lost to the US 1-0.

   In fact, they have only ever won two matches in “God Save the King” territory: This past Tuesday against Iran and 1950 against Chile in Brazil.

7. Only two American men have ever scored against England in the World Cup: Joe Gaetjens in 1950 , Clint Dempsey in 2010.

8. “It’s coming home!” and it can either mean soccer, or it can mean all the unsold Budweiser at the World Cup.

9. On this day in 1783, the last British troops evacuate New York City. Later that day, Washington marches into the city at the head of the triumphant Continental Army.

10. “Fuck off, Alexi Lalas, you fucking Qatari ass-kissing dolt.”

OK, let’s fucking go.

Take care of yourself, and each other.

-Colby

1. Trigger warning for my Costa Rican readers.

2. No small order, for sure.

3. By the skins of our teeth … which is not how I want my Tuesday afternoon to go, but how else will I know I am alive?