Hello, my friends1.
I’ve been accused2 of sometimes making things harder3. And I’ve certainly done that TO THE MAX the last 3 days. What started with a call to Verizon on Sunday because they hadn’t applied the trade-in of my wife’s phone for her new phone, turned into me also swapping my phone for a new phone.
Except that they then shipped it to the wrong, totally made up Brooklyn address.
Two days of hold times and phone calls later (while changing 8 diapers an hour) I found myself this morning at a UPS facility, talking to a manager’s manager about their official policy4 that phone pickups require photo ID with an address that matches the package.
I’ve flown to three continents. I’ve been on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. I’ve had backstage meets with both Jay-Z and a Rolling Stone. I’ve even sat down with an honest to goodness knight.
But the first person to hold my photo ID up to the light in his hand and remark that its signature should be raised and this was a sure sign of counterfeit was Ernie this morning at a Canarsie, Brooklyn UPS warehouse.
Somehow, I convinced them I am me. And that if I was going to give them a fake ID, wouldn’t I make one with the incorrect address on it?
This closes out this epic opus. And I am proud to say I can’t tell a lick of difference between my new iPhone 13 and my old iPhone 12.
Let’s get to some footy, shall we? Going scattershot this time.
Chelsea - Manchester City
This was the match of the weekend. Chelsea had steamrolled City all three times they’d met since Thomas Tuchel became their manager. Tuchel had schooled Pep Guardiola with brilliant in-game adjustments. AND THEN HE ADDED ROMELU LUKAKU. AND THEN LUKAKU HAD DOMINATED EVERYONE NOT NAMED VIRGIL VAN DIJK. Slam dunk for Chelsea, right?
So what happened?
Chelsea 0 - Man City 1.
It’s been said that, in last year’s matchup between these teams in the Champions League final, Pep over thought and out managed himself. Tuchel retuned the favor in this matchup. In trying to take things away from Man City, Tuchel forgot it’s also important to, on occasion, have your team do what they’re good at, too.
Starting Timo Werner was … pretty baffling, honestly.
It might have failed to be the best match of the weekend, but welcome to being the undisputed Best Football Team in Europe, Man City.
Paris St. Germaine - Manchester City (Champions League; three days later)
So what happened?
PSG 2 - 0 Man City.
Messi scored his first goal with PSG. It was gorgeous.
Welcome to disputing who’s the Best Football Team in Europe. Maybe you can make the argument it’s Real Madrid?
Real Madrid - Sheriff Tiraspol (Champions League)
So what happened?
Real Madrid 1 - Sheriff 2.
Before the match, Sheriff’s players were on the field at Bernabéu Stadium taking pictures like they were at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon5.
Perhaps you need a little background on Sheriff. I needed a little background on Sheriff. Sheriff’s sponsor is *checks notes* “the most significant, dynamically developing business partnerships of successful enterprises in Pridnestrovie.6” They play their home games at *checks notes* Sheriff Sports Complex. And that’s located in Tiraspol, the capital city of Transnistria in Moldova. But my notes tell me Transnistria is an unrecognized breakaway state in the narrow strip of land between the river Dniester and the Moldovan-Ukrainian border. My notes don’t tell me where the fuck that is.
Wait … are these the guys that conned themselves into playing a high school football game on ESPN a couple of weeks ago?
Who else wants to play the Best Football Team in Europe Sweepstakes?
Man United - Aston Villa
So what happened?
Man United 0 - Aston Villa 1
Truth be told, I’m only including Manchester United in the Best Football Team in the World Sweepstakes for this reason:
During the match my wife called Bruno Fernandes “Bronaldo™,” and I am dedicating my life to making that nickname stick.
In case you missed it, Bronaldo did. Miss it. A PK.
Before the match Man U’s Ole Gunnar Solskjær blamed Liverpool’s Jurgen Klopp for United getting fewer penalty kicks lately. But let’s go to the tape, shall we?
Penalties given to Premier League clubs since December 2018 when Ole Gunnar Solskjær became United’s manager:
1. Man Utd 32
2. Man City 23
3. Leicester 22
4. Chelsea 19
5. Liverpool 18
Sus, Ole. Sus AF.
Nothing to see here. Let’s move on, in our Best Football Club in Europe Sweepstakes, shall we?
Brentford - Liverpool
So what happened?
Brentford 3 - Liverpool 3.
That’s right. Mighty, newly-promoted Brentford are the Best Football Team in Europe. To watch. For pure pleasure.
This was the most entertaining match of the weekend. Of the season, honestly. Every time you thought you had it figured out … you did not, in fact, have any part of it figured out. Back and forth. Both teams taking and trading punches. And then, it all ends with the team from Liverpool leaving the field to choruses of “Hey Jude” from the other team’s fans.
You might recall I mocked an Arsenal supporting friend of mine after their loss to Brentford. It was small and petty of me. Which is totally what she expects from me in these circumstances.
And, to be an even bigger jerk, when she asked me, “How you feeling after Brentford put you guys in your place yesterday?” I replied that I thought it was a thoroughly enjoyable match. So much fun. So much tension.
I do regret deflating her gloating. Genuinely. I even went back and acted angry.
But also, while I might be a dedicated Liverpool supporter, I hope I never let that cloud my enjoyment of the game at large. If Liverpool lose the Premier League or a spot in the Champions League or whatever because we couldn’t win at Brentford, then we didn’t deserve it.
Brentford (and Brentford-like teams) getting points from Liverpool like clubs is what it’s all about. Especially if they go out and beat Man City and Chelsea twice this season.
Southampton - Wolves
If you’ll recall, I made a deal with COD that, if the Saints won, I’d buy a Southampton shirt.
So what happened?
Southampton 0 - Wolves 1
Bringing this up to console COD. The Saints had their chances. And also bringing this up for this reason:
The Wolves launched their own record label. I don’t know what to make of that. But I also keep wanting to document it so I don’t feel like I made it up in some sleep deprived diaper change.
Rankings
It’s obviously ridiculously early in this season to try to rank these teams. But just like preseason polls in college football and basketball, folks try. Even quasi-respected folks like Elo.
Let’s see who they think are the Best Club in Europe:
Arsenal?!? Fourteen?!? Go home, ELO. You’re drunk.
(Also, if you’re looking for a fun underdog to adopt, spend some time with Ajax. I can even hook you up with some of their supporters. I hope you like bluntness. Cause they’re Dutch.)
American Exceptionalism
Fresh out of it right now. We did announce our lineup for the next International Break.
This Week I Learned
Don’t upgrade your iPhone 13 from your iPhone 12.
Also, let’s talk about a phrase you’ll hear a lot in footy broadcasts. Especially English ones.
The brace.
So I feel like we all know a hat trick is when a player scores three goals. We probably know that through hockey.
So the brace precedes the hat trick. The brace is the second goal a player scores in the same game. I don’t know why, but I always assumed it came from notations on a scorecard. Like K for strikeouts in baseball. And once I type these words, I can tell how dumb it is.
In actuality, “brace” comes from Old English hunting lingo, where
a brace signifies a “pair” of something that was killed or shot down.
I guess you don’t go fishing for goals, but hunting for them.
OK, I got a diaper to change.
Take care of yourself, and each other.
-Colby
I thought this was going out last night. But there was an error between my keyboard and my chair. So the days / day parts might seem strange if you read this at 8:43 in the morning. My bad. Assistant has been fired.
this morning. In my own kitchen. By my wife.
I do consider myself mentored by Larry David.
Official only because it had a sign they’d made in Microsoft Word.
Or as I call it, “Nature’s Times Square.”
Source: http://www.sheriff.md/en/company/history/
Yes. The team that went into Madrid and beat Real last night is sponsored by and entirely named for a company founded by two former special agents that is a chain of gas stations, a chain of supermarkets, a TV channel, a publishing house, a construction company, a Mercedes-Benz dealer, an advertising agency, a spirits factory, two bread factories, a mobile phone network and a five-star hotel still under construction.
They’re literally just “Football Club” if they lose their sponsor.
Of course Arsenal is up to 14th. They destroyed my Spurs. Oh wait, nevermind.
I want to hear? ALL of those stories? Jay-Z and the knight and such? spaced out into the next couple entries in this hallowed document?