Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me having a newborn was fucking hard? I’ve been up since Wednesday. A Wednesday. Maybe since two Wednesdays ago?
Jesus Christ. Tying this kid’s right arm to her body so she becomes a left handed pitcher better turn out to be worth it.
Anyway, let’s talk footy. The game … not the pajamas.
A point my wife has wanted me to make since I started this: The name of this thing.
Ninety percent of you are here from Craig Calcaterra’s Substack called Cup of Coffee; a newsletter about Columbo and JD Vance with hints of baseball. For the footy centered among us, if a minor league player gets to the major leagues for just a few games, it’s said he “got a cup of coffee” in the big leagues.
For the baseball centered among us (read: history illiterate Americans like me), the Second Boer War ended in 1902. When the English veterans returned from South Africa, they noticed the stands boer … sorry … bore a striking resemblance to a hill they’d just stormed trying to unsiege the city of Ladysmith. That hill was called the Spion Kop.
Arsenal had the first stands called a Kop. Tottenham has the newest. Wolves have one, too. Leicester had one, demolished it, then built a new one. And several lower division clubs have them.
But the most famous Kop is the one at Liverpool. To the point that Liverpool supporters are called Kopites.
I got some TwitterGuff™ about not subscribing to this Substack because it’s obviously Liverpool centric because of the name. Which … you do you, buddy. But club football is, to me, above being partisan. I watch at least 7 or 8 matches a week from around the world. While I’ll always watch the Liverpool match, I’m also tuning in to matches featuring a bunch of teams I convince myself could dismantle Liverpool.
I promise to be biased, but fair. And my way of being biased is to be convinced we’re going to lose every match. It’s just better for everyone that way.
Also, Kop is Dutch for cup. Also, Virgil Van Dijk is Dutch. And who doesn’t love Big Virg?
South American Madness
Let’s bop our minds back to last week. As you’ll recall, there was an International Break. In a normal year, Premier League players on their country’s teams would report for duty and play 2 to 3 World Cup Qualifiers in advance of 2022’s World Cup. The players would then reassemble like footy Avengers with their Premier League clubs.
As you’ll recall, though, we’re not in a normal year.
The UK government has placed Covid restrictions on travel to … well … just about every country. I’m going to gloss all the way over all the African and Asian players, other than to say there was apparently a really tense situation with Liverpool’s Guinean midfielder Naby Keita. If you weren’t paying attention (and because it happened in Africa, you probably weren’t) there was a military coup in Guinea. Ben Affleck penned Argo 2, just in case Fenway called him to get Naby out.
So, many clubs didn’t release their Brazilian players, as they’d have to quarantine for 10 days upon their return, and probably need another week to get their fitness where it needs to be. Many Argentinian players left England anyway.
Well, of course the football gods made sure there was a Brazil-Argentina match scheduled for this international break. You probably saw what happened. The Athletic perfectly summed it up:
The match was called off after just five minutes of play when federal police and officials from Brazil’s health agency, Anvisa stepped onto the field. They did so because Cristian Romero and Giovani Lo Celso of Tottenham, and Aston Villa’s Emi Martinez and Emi Buendia all faced deportation having allegedly broken Brazil’s rules on entering the country by failing to report that they had been in the UK during the previous 14 days. Romero, Lo Celso and Martinez all started the game, while Buendia was in the stands.
But wait … there’s more. The governing bodies of football for Brazil, Chile, Mexico and Paraguay (might) have convinced FIFA to enact their Five Day Rule, which allows FIFA to ban any player from any and all football matches for five days following an International Break for which the players were not released.
It’s hard to say which club will suffer the most from this, if it really comes to pass.
Man City would have Ederson, Fernandinho, and Gabriel Jesus miss their Saturday match against Leicester.
Liverpool would have Alisson and Fabinho miss their Sunday match against Leeds. (Firmino is allegedly injured, so he’d probably be out of the lineup anyway.)
Leeds would have to play without Raphinha. Wolves would lose Mexico forward Raul Jimenez. Newcastle would miss Paraguayan Miguel Almiron. Watford's Chilean defender Francisco Sierralta would also have to make other weekend plans.
But, for Chelsea, all this would mean that Thiago Silva wouldn’t be eligible for Saturday’s game against Aston Villa AND ALSO Tuesday’s Champions League match against Zenit St. Petersburg. Ain’t that a kick in the head?
(Liverpool and Man City’s Champions League matches are Wednesday, which is Day 6.) Ain’t THAT a kick in the head?
It also bears noting that the Confederação Brasileira de Futebol didn’t press for Everton to have to deal with this 5 Day Rule for Richarlison, because Everton released the player for the Olympics. AIN’T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD?
I’m typing furiously to get this post live so the situation doesn’t change before you read it. Also, please read quickly. This situation will most assuredly change. I just now figured out all the damned ins and outs of this ever developing international situation.
American Exceptionalism
While I still think we’re winning the 2022 World Cup, we didn’t exactly have the International Break I was hoping for. Draws against El Salvador and Canada had us looking desperate with a scary road trip to Honduras up next. We ended up winning 4-1 after Honduras just fell the fuck apart.
Or maybe we really are the 10th best team in the world? Maybe this is when we turned it on?
Somehow, things have broken just right, though, and we’re sitting in 3rd right now. Top 3 will automatically qualify for a trip to Qatar next fall. Fourth place team gets to go to a play-in tourney for some at large spots in the field. (Read: lots of stress drinking I don’t need in my life.)
Chelsea’s Christian Pulisic left the US’ match against Honduras with a “slight ankle injury.” I benched him on my fantasy team. Look for him to net 3 or 4 against Aston Villa just to show me what fer.
Man City’s Zac Steffen didn’t play in any of the USMNT’s World Cup Qualifiers. But his being #2 on the depth chart behind a Brazilian has its benefits right now. Look for him to start against Leicester this weekend. Maybe.
Norwich’s Josh Sargent played a half against Honduras. I guess you could say he quartered it because he half assed an entire half. It wasn’t his best day. I bet he comes off the bench at about the 70th minute against Arsenal this weekend.
Also, fellow Texan and Juventus star Weston McKinney, this message is for you: I don’t know what happened, but calling out your teammates to step up, then violating Covid protocols TWICE and getting sent back to Italy early … It’s not a good look. I still love you, though. And think you’ve got great things ahead of you. #DaddingComesNaturallyToMe
Saturday, September 11
7:30
Crystal Palace - Tottenham Hotspur (NBCSN)
Spurs have a 12 match unbeaten streak against Crystal Palace. (10 Wins, 2 Draws)
Only two teams have ever started a Premier League season with 4 wins without conceding a goal. Can Spurs make it 3?
I look for Son’s game winning goal to come in the 48th minute. Spurs get their 4th 1-0 win in a row, natch.
(Something interesting about Crystal Palace will go here, if I can come up with something.)
Oh yeah. Crystal Palace are the only Premier League team named after a building. Unless you count Arsenal. As a team.
10:00
Arsenal - Norwich (Peacock)
If Arsenal lose this match, manager Mikel Arteta will be summonsed to the Tower of London.
Arsenal have scored at least 3 goals in 6 of their last 7 matches at home against the Canaries. But these aren’t the same Gunners and aren’t the same Canaries.
The thrilling thing about Arsenal this year, is you could literally see something week to week you’ll never see again. Think of the history!
Brentford - Brighton Hove Albion (Peacock)
This will be the first time Brentford and Brighton have ever met in the Premier League! So, throw out the record books! Or … uhhh … Get yourself a crisp, new record book!
At home, Brentford haven’t lost in their last 9 league matches, though this does extend back to matches before they were promoted this season. Obvs.
Leicester City - Manchester City (Peacock)
<dadjoke> A tale of two Citys. </dadjoke>
As of press time, Man City will be missing Brazilians Ederson at Goalie, Fernandinho in Midfield and Gabriel Jesus at Forward.
Man City hasn’t looked this vulnerable since the price of oil dropped in January of 2016.
What to say about the Foxes’ Jamie Vardy? Other than my family and I spent an entire weekend in June fighting over how you make a word that in X possessive. In the craziest Grammar Mandela Effect I’ve seen, I swear I was taught words that end in X just add an apostrophe … Like words that end in S.
I have found no record of this being true. And no one I went to high school with will back me up in it either.
I hope this isn’t running through Jamie Vardy’s head on Saturday, because he’ll be screwed.
Manchester United - Newcastle United (USA)
<dadjoke> A tale of two Uniteds. </dadjoke>
You know all you need to know about this match: Cristiano Ronaldo, the man with more Instagram followers than Kim Kardashian West and Drake COMBINED, will make his re-debut with Manchester United. Fun fact: Ronaldo also has more Instagram followers than all 20 clubs in the Premier League combined.
It’s hard to say one player is bigger than the game itself, but Zuckerberg thinks so.
Newcastle will probably be missing Paraguayan Miguel Almiron. Also, Newcastle are winless. Good luck with that.
Southampton - West Ham United (NBCSN)
<dadjoke> A tale of one ‘hampton and one United. </dadjoke>
In my (barely) preseason picks, I took Leicester to make the top 4. My thinking was they couldn’t keep missing the spot by such small margins. One could have said the same thing about the Hammers. In fact, if one had said that same thing, they’d look 7 spots smarter about things with West Ham in second and Leicester in 9th.
But it’s still early, so I can end up looking really dumb for thinking Leicester would do well at the beginning of the season and look really dumb thinking West Ham would do well 3 matches in.
That’s why you’ve gotta watch these games.
Michail Antonio has had a goal and an assist in each of West Ham’s first three Premier League matches this season. If he does it against Southampton, he’ll be the first player to have ever done that.
Southampton’s Mohamed Elyounoussi didn’t have a goal or an assist in 19 matches. His agent pulled him aside and said, “Performances like that are what keep you at Southampton.” Since getting his head screwed on right, he’s had 4 goals and 2 assists the last two matches. Look for a bidding war between Man City and Chelsea by Wednesday.
Watford - Wolverhampton Wanderers (Peacock)
The Wolves Adama Traore hasn’t scored a goal in 42 Premier League matches. If he keeps that up, his rumored interest from Spurs will fall apart.
As mentioned, Wolves’ Mexico forward Raul Jimenez and Watford's Chilean defender Francisco Sierralta will be doing something else at game time. Probably.
Maybe they could grab a late brunch? I just did some cursory Googling, and the highest rated brunch place in Watford is a place called Los Iguanas at 61-63 High Street. It’s got 4.6 stars on TripAdvisor and Vikki195 says, “Great bottomless Brunch! Our server Noemi was really lovely! We had a great time - food was great and the drinks were flowing! Thanks las iguanas!” Raul and Francisco, maybe give it a try?
Watford was famously owned and chaired by Elton John in the 70s, and their stadium features the Sir Elton John Stand. It is not called a Kop. When it was dedicated in 2014, Sir Elton said, (and I am not making this up) "I never thought I'd ever have a stand named after me. I never thought I'd sit in a stand!"
Did he think he’d stand in a stand?
12:30
Chelsea - Aston Villa (NBC)
If Chelsea win, they will become the second club with 600 wins in the Premier League. As we just started counting these things in 1992, this is the most worthless stat I’m giving you this week.
No idea if Pulisic will be healthy enough to make an appearance for Chelsea. Which is now two worthless statements in a row.
Chelsea will be missing Thiago Silva due to his being Brazilian. Aston Villa would be missing Douglas Luiz and Wesley for the same reason, except they weren’t good enough to make the Brazilian squad. Sorry, guys. You can’t sit with us.
Sunday, September 12
11:30
Leeds United - Liverpool (NBCSN)
My infant daughter doesn’t need to see me stress drinking for 3 hours, so maybe we’ll just leave her in her crib all day.
As of press time, Liverpool will be missing 3 Brazilian starters: Alisson in goal, Fabinho in the midfield and (an injured?) Firmino at forward. Leeds will be missing Raphinia.
Leeds will be loaded for bear, and Klopp might be looking awfully furry and with a hunny pot stuck on his head.
Monday, September 13
3:00
Everton - Burnley
That’s right … We get some Monday Night (in England) Football. If you’ve never experienced this, it’s great. Bill Wyman drives out in a Jaguar convertible on the left side of the road and screams, “Are you ready for some football?” Then he croons a ditty with all original lyrics that sound a lot like his hit single from May 1974, "White Lightnin'.”
As mentioned, you’d think Everton would be in trouble, what with one of their stars (Richarlison) being Brazilian. But the football gods are just. The football gods are fair. But sometimes the football gods just aren’t fair. Brazil didn't have FIFA 5 Day Rule Everton.
I look for Everton to win big. They’re definitely a force to be reckoned with and will be title contenders this year. Book it.
OK, I have a diaper to change. Take care of yourself, and each other.
-Colby
The Crystal Palace burned down 85 years ago - as opposed to Arsenal, who are still in the process of burning everything down.
Also, be careful - you forget one of those closing </dadjoke> tags and things could really spiral out of control.
Great writeups! I enjoyed the historical context - I had thought "The Kop" was always in reference to Anfield; I didn't know it was a thing at other grounds, too.
I have to know -- is your closing based on Jerry Springer? Enjoyed that show for all the wrong reasons.