Week? Where we're going we don't need weeks
... nor subtitles
Hello, my friends.
How do we mark the passage of time?
Is it in seconds?
Like the 93 between French goals in the World Cup final?
Is it in minutes?
Like the 11 minutes in match play when Argentina weren’t even going to advance?
Is it in hours?
Like the hours I spent breaking down the elimination scenarios for my mom, who has never given a shit about footy?
Is it in weeks?
Like the week I spent on antibiotics and painkillers after my surprise first round of scheduled oral surgery? (Second round comes January 5! Get excited!)
Is it in lives?
Like the one we tragically lost in Grant Wahl? For real, RIP.
Is it in steps?
Like the ones my 15 month old heat seeking missile won’t stop taking now?
Is it in couches?
Like how we started this World Cup with a blue Apt 2B sleeper sofa and ended it with a slate number from Burrow and plenty of splinters, nearly heaps of Mets tickets from their ground crew and - finally - spackling the walls of our building from the damage of getting the old one out to the curb? (all those words are true.)
Is it in years?
Like all the ones we aged during that World Cup Final, even with being perfectly happy with both teams and countries?
Is it in decades?
Like the decades of frustration Messi erased for the whole blessed country of Argentina?
Is it in epochs?
Like how long it feels like my mother-in-law has been visiting us already?
No. I think we mark time in the number of shitty Tom Renaldi fluff pieces the fuckers at FOX sports subjected us to during the World Cup. I just spent 10 minutes turning on my Renaldi and now I worry I can’t turn it off.
Fuck them for that.
Fuck them for ignoring the thousands of dead migrant workers.
Fuck them for fellating the Qataris in ways that must have made them uncomfortable (but comfortable on the DL, you know?)
Fuck them.
Oh, and Happy Holidays, you filthy animals.
My oldest open browser tab that I haven’t read yet
The open browser tab we might all just need to hold onto for safe keeping
How to Stay Sane and Stress Free This Holiday Season
The best open browser tab I have about footy
Inside the Wild Life of Footballers’ Luxury Assistants
The browser tab of the year, every year
OK, on to the footy
Festive Period starting … nowwww.
Look, I know there were Cup matchups yesterday. I know this because my watch was going crazy while I was sitting at the matinee Phantom of the Opera.
While I am on that subject. Fuck that guy. Let’s list the reasons:
The Phantom is definitely a groomer.
He’s manipulative.
He’s a mass murderer.
He’s an extortionist.
He’s a deadbeat tenant.
He’s superficial.
He’s shitty with his instrumentation.
Boxing day
7:30 AM
Brentford - Spurs (USA - Universo) LET’S FUCKING GET UP AND LET’S FUCKING GO!!!
10:00 AM
Crystal Palace - Fulham (Peacock) Let’s slow down. Not too fast.
Everton - Wolves (Peacock) I’m not too excited about this one as Everton are not actually facing real live wolves.
Leicester - Newcastle (USA / Universo) I guess they had to stick something on USA.
Southampton - Brighton (Peacock) The battle for the coast. (Unsure if they call it that. They should.)
12:30 PM
Aston Villa - Liverpool (USA / Universo) If there is a God, I’ll get to watch this at the pub with my head in a bucket of Carlsberg.
3:00 PM
Arsenal - West Ham (Peacock) I guess they need the time on USA for some Suits marathon or some shit.
Tuesday
12:30 PM
Chelsea - Bournemouth (USA / Universo) I think I knew a Chelsea Bournemouth in college. She was a Kappa.
3:00 PM
Man U - Nottingham Forest (USA / Universo) I hope Ronaldo is there. Forest will sell him a ticket, right?
Wednesday
3:00 PM
Leeds - Man City (USA / Universo) I haven’t done the math, but I think my mother-in-law will be gone when this match kicks off. Can I share a wish list on Drizly with you?
Friday, December 30
You know what? No … we’re not going here. I am vowing to be back by then with more substance (that’s too much to promise) and content (I can type things)
A VERY IMPORTANT REMINDER
All joking aside, I know of at least two folks whose houses burned down on Christmas Eves. Please, go check the batteries in your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. Tis the season of overloaded outlets and dishes left in ovens overnight and houses full of guests.
An Invitation
Wednesday, December 28 at 9 PM Eastern. GFOTS, The Amazing Lorenzo Landini is amongst the folks playing Young Ethel’s and I’ll be there with a guy who looks so much like Rick Rubin folks are going to think they’re being discovered.
You should come too. Seriously, you’ve been good.
Also, a couple of last things.
I’m resolving to do this more in the coming year. (I’m sorry.) In the spirit of Grant Wahl, they might be shorter bits. And they will definitely be worse. But, there will be more of them.
To quote the old Borscht Belt joke, “This food is terrible.”
”Yeah, and the portions are small.”I have been plowing through an insane backlog of Freakonomics podcast episodes. And I just last week noticed that fucker Stephen Dubner closes every episode with, “Take care of yourself, and, if you can, someone else.”
This must have permeated my mind as much as Jerry Springer and Tom Rinaldi.
But, please, especially this time of year, take care of yourself and someone else.
But I must leave you, as my wife is at yoga and I keep hearing my mother-in-law asking my child how to do things like keep burners lit on our stove. Will comment if this takes a turn and I can’t be at Young Ethel’s.
Did we see Lorenzo? Is there a review? Is this Kop of Coffee kaput?
Brilliant. Keep them coming just like this.