Hello, my friends.
This dispatch is being dispatched with one hand on the keyboard and one hand firmly in the grasp of my screaming child. Forgive any typos.
I hope this finds you well.
Last week, as you might recall, my father-in-law was here. War is hell. My father-in-law fought in a war. Maybe he brought some of that hell with him in his pockets.
We’re doing pioneering research around here at Castle Black on extreme sleep deprivation. Last week somehow saw us reach new levels. I’m not exactly sure how we did. I’m not exactly sure of anything at all any more.
I’m being a little overly dramatic, but I inherited that trait from my daughter. Last week was one of those grueling endeavors you just have to do. And I guess we did.
Thankfully, I won’t have to deal with any more grand parents until *checks calendar* today, when my mother-in-law gets here for the week.
Last week also saw our little warrior princess get her first shots. She took them like a champ. No salt. No lime. Nothing. The pediatrician did give us a little infant Tylenol for her pain.
As you might recall, we’re also battling a severe infant dairy allergy over here. This ordeal is showing me the value and allure of mommy blogs. (For example, this morning we learned there’s dairy in infant Tylenol. Dafuq?!?) I also feel like we’re just peering into the edge of the anti-vaxx abyss. Our pediatrician plays the numbers. He diagnoses dairy allergy. He recommends a non-dairy formula. Says it might take a week to get it out of mom and daughter’s systems. Says it might take 6 weeks. He steps into the next room with the next kid. I get it.
But mommy blogs tell us 70 of kids with dairy allergies also have soy allergies. We’ve been trying to be careful there, too. But on Friday night, we ordered a vegan pizza. By now we’re guessing it had soy cheese. We spent the whole weekend with screaming kid again. All progress lost.
This morning we learned that moms cutting out dairy for nursing might ruin their own ability to consume dairy in the future. “So their recommendation is to drink an ounce of your own breast milk,” says my wife. She pauses. “Did you hear me? They recommend drinking breast milk. What are you doing?”
“I’m just looking for the Bailey’s and Kahlua so you have a chaser. Or maybe this Armegnac would go well with it. Surely Liquor.com has a recipe for breast milk cocktails.”
Also, apparently this kid has screamed and cried so much she has given herself an umbilical hernia. It’s probably not a big deal. And it’s probably not causing her pain. But it is stressing out her mother, who is worried she’ll have an outtie belly button and all the kids will make fun of her. Cool. Cool.
So that’s where we are. Also.
Week 9
You, sir, are a warrior. Thanks for not mentioning Spurs.
Dear gawd, man. I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry? I mean, does that actually help in cases like this?
I'm sorry.