OK, apologies for that sub headline.
The legend in my wife’s family is that her grandmother was raised by the family dog1. I keep looking at our dog and wondering when he’s going to pick up some damned slack around this place. Because there’s plenty of slack to go around.
That said, my 25 day old daughter has learned her first trick: She can now fart without pooping. This seems like it would be great, but it still leads us to checking every diaper after every fart. And there are a lot of farts coming out of this kid. I’m sharing this mainly so I will remember it when I need to embarrass her later.
American Exceptionalism
How about I just tell you when an American does something good in the Premier League?
Supposedly Sargent is healthy and might show up for Norwich.
Oh yeah, we’re still going to win the World Cup in 2022.
Saturday 25 September
7:30am
Chelsea v Man City – (NBCSN, Universo)
I had the brilliant idea that I’d reorganize this and rank the matches by their “must watchability” instead of chronologically. This was going to be my #1 must watch match … good thing the Footy Gods went and scheduled this one first anyway. Settled it for us.
Chelsea has had 10 different players score goals in their 5 league matches this year. That’s insane. I meant to include that in the last Kop of Coffee. And then sleep deprivation totally zapped it out of my mind when I started typing. But it’s still true and still relevant. And I think the fact that I remembered it now means I am sleeping more.
Man City are about to begin a BRUTAL 9 day stretch:
At Chelsea.
At Paris Saint-Germain in the Champions League.
At Liverpool next weekend.
Ya hate to see it. Really you do. I’d feel sorry for the Cityzens, but they’ve always managed to plow through these sorts of runs before without breaking a sweat while leaning into their bottomless spending … I mean … depth chart. And fuck Noel Gallagher.
Worms might have turned, though. Chelsea have beaten City three times in a row, since hiring Tuchel last year. Which is to say Chelsea might have the better manager now. AND Chelsea might have more depth than City now, too.
If City has any chance, it’s going to require them to jump out to a 2 or 3 goal lead early and park the bus. Because, if it’s tight, you can count on Tuchel to make the needed adjustment, and you can count on Pep to try to just do more of what he’s been doing. Both of which really favor Chelsea.
Or. Maybe Marcos Alonso’s decision to stop taking the knee before the match to protest racism will wreck the Chelsea team chemistry?
I can’t wait for this match. I can’t wait for the next three Man City matches. Hopefully. Watching Pep lose must be savored. Hopefully.
Man Utd v Aston Villa – (The Cock)
Woof. If this was up against any other match than Chelsea-City, it’d be the sleeper pick for Watch of the Week.
All the history and trends point to United winning. But, I kind of like Villa here. I’m so confident United won’t play well I added Ronaldo to my fantasy team and captained him.
Man U will still be without Marcus Rashford and Amad Diallo. But they’re getting Edinson Cavani back. Which should be a real hoot when OGS pulls Ronaldo for him. Villa will be without Leon Bailey, Morgan Sanson to injury and Axel Tuanzebe because he can’t face his parent club.
10:00 am
Everton v Norwich City – (The Cock)
Everton should romp the Canaries and send them to their 16th straight League loss. Right? I mean … surely the wheels won’t come totally off for Everton in this spiral, right?
While we’re on the subject of Norwich, I’d like to go off on a rant here:
You’re Norwich. You’ve lost 15 Premier League matches in a row. You walk into your Carabao Cup match this last week against a Liverpool side that’s starting a 16 year old, two 18 year olds and a 22 year old third string Goalie.
HOW DO YOU NOT START TEEMU PUKKI?
WHAT ARE YOU SAVING HIM FOR? MATCHES IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP AFTER YOU GET RELEGATED NEXT YEAR? GOOD LORD.
Leeds v West Ham – (The Cock)
OK, I am starting to have trouble picking a 10 am match to watch.
In this one, on the one hand, Leeds aren’t as bad as their record. (Or at least they shouldn’t be. They have conceded an abysmal 5 goals in 2 home matches this year. That can’t continue, right?) On the other, how will West Ham respond to their shocking ManU roller coaster draw that turned into a loss (and then win) last week?
The Hammers get Michail Antonio back from a red card suspension, though he has never scored against Leeds in 9 matches.
Leeds will be missing Pascal Struijk from a red card sending off. Senting off. However you say it. Diego Llorente and Patrick Bamford will be out for Leeds, too.
Leicester City v Burnley – (NBCSN, Universo)
Leicester beats bottom dwellers. They’ve outscored the bottom three teams 15-2 in their last 6 matches. And the Foxes are unbeaten in their last 10 home matches against Burnley.
Burnley have 4 losses and a draw in their last 5.
Burnley will be missing Roberts, Stephens and Long. Well, they won’t be playing, at least. They could be real shitheads off the pitch and won’t be missed at all.
Watford v Newcastle – (The Cock)
So goes Allan Saint-Maximin, so goes Newcastle. He’s had 2 goals and an assist in the last three games. Including a beautiful goal against Leeds last week that I will never forget.
Yeeesh. Newcastle’s injury list is longer than the Tyne Bridge . Missing this weekend will be: Jonjo Shelvey, Callum Wilson, Martin Dubravka, Jamaal Lascelles, Paul Dummett and Klinger, Radar and Hawkeye.
Watford’s only missing an explanation for why they’re the Hornets with a moose in their crest.
12:30pm
Brentford v Liverpool – (NBCSN / Universo)
The night is dark and full of terrors. But Brentford are a bunch of squirrels just storing up points for the long winter ahead.2
The Bees’ manager, Thomas Frank, is going to get some looks from some big clubs. Nothing would help that effort more than for Brentford to snag a point or 3 here. And it’s entirely possible. Only Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester City have conceded fewer than Brentford's two Premier League goals this season. And Ivan Toney has scored 33 league goals since the start of last season. That ties him for the most by any player in the top four divisions.
Liverpool have not lost to Brentford in the league since 19383. But ever since Project: Restart, these are the sorts of matches that would give Liverpool trouble. Lesser sides just parking the bus against us. And we might revert to that dark period of history again. But this Liverpool side just feels different. That backline seems to have so many options with Alexander-Arnold, Robertson, Tsimikas, Van Dijk, Gomez, Matip and Konaté. Good lord last year was an ordeal.
For what it’s worth, Liverpool have lost just one out of their last 17 league matches in London.
This just feels like a draw to me.
Sunday 26 September
9am
Southampton v Wolves – (NBCSN)
I wrote this statement, “Fine. I’m all in for COD’s Southampton. They win this and I buy a shirt.” And then spent 45 minutes looking at shirts on their site. That means this is all the preview you get for this match.
But oh, what a recap it might cause!
11:30am
Arsenal v Spurs – (NBCSN / Telemundo)
Ahhhh. The North London Derby.
Red hot Arsenal have won two in a row. I just wanted to write that the one time I know I will get to this year.
Spurs will be missing Steven Bergwijn … I think that’s a loss for them. I am not totally sure.
Arsenal won’t be missing anyone … I think that’s a loss for them. I am not totally sure.
It’s hard to say which Arsenal and which Spurs sides will show up. Intriguing.
Monday 27 September
3pm
Crystal Palace v Brighton – (NBCSN)
Palace looked better than last week’s 3-0 loss to Liverpool.
Once again, BRIGHTON ARE 4TH IN THE LEAGUE. The Seagulls have never won three in a row on the road in the top-flight ever before.
Eze and Ferguson are out for Palace. Brighton are missing Adam Webster.
OK, the kid is screaming and so is the wife.4
Take care of yourself. And each other.
-Colby
Her son, my father-in-law, swears this is true. He also swears my wife and her sister were perfect babies who never fussed at all. I don’t want to say I am calling bullshit on all these stories.
OK, I do want to say that. Because I am.
I had that whole squirrel thing worked out, and then fucking Arlo fucking White said it on a podcast I was listening to. But I’m still saying it because 1. I really did come up with it independently, and 2. I couldn’t come up with any thing better.
Sure. They didn’t play for a seven decade stretch in the middle there, but it’s still a true stat.
As I typed that, the house fell silent. Too silent.
Chelsea starting Wermer? Is this some attempt to Rope-A-Dope Pep?
I’ll put one quid down that Wermer gets subbed out.
I shouldn’t be. But I’m pretty surprised with how that Chelsea-City match went.