Week 3. Wrap up.

I'm Bad. I'm International Wide.

It had everything: Glorious, terrible destruction. Hard fought draws. Crazy headlines flipping from Blue to Red.

I don’t want to dwell on my greatness, but I will call out some things I got right:

City DESTROYED Arsenal.

West Ham supporters blew bubbles.

Jamie Vardy is a gift to us all.

And one thing I got wrong:

Christian Pulisic did not go off on Liverpool (But the USMNT is still winning the 2022 World Cup.)

American Exceptionalism

Pulisic did not even make the bench for Chelsea. A real relief for my emotions. I can now spend a few weeks hoping he’s OK. And being genuine about it.

Zac Steffen did not show up in goal for Manchester City, but he was on their bench.

Joshua Sargent came off the bench for Norwich City in the 73rd minute.

FELLOW TEXAN Weston McKinnie is rumored to be making a move to Tottenham Hotspur. Juventus is also rumored to be very happy with him, wants to hold on to him and to be the only club in the history of the beautiful game who’s leading selling jersey could be an American.

Saturday, 28 August

Man City 5 - Arsenal 0

There was a meme going around last month that the Olympics should feature one average person in every event. Just so you could see just how exceptional the world’s best are.

The Premier League took up this challenge. And that result is the 2012-22 Arsenal squad.

Sweet Jesus. They look like garbage on their own. But what if I told you that (as of this moment) Arsenal are second in spending? And they only became second because of the Cristiano Ronaldo deal?

I can tell you Billy Beane’s least favorite soccer club. Hell, I bet his second division Barnsley could play Arsenal to a draw. Hell, I bet the Oakland A’s could do it for a half.

The most important wrap up from Saturday. The NYU Dorm Move in Derby

Black Family United 7 - The Usual Pain of Doing Anything in NYC 0

My wife has a Masters from NYU. I have several friends that went to NYU. I still have scars from move ins in the 1990s at The University of Texas. So, my expectations for Saturday’s festivities were somewhere between the Bataan Death March and the Children’s Crusade.

Instead, here’s what happened: I rolled up with a Volkswagen Tiguan of Bed Bath and Beyond’s finest. I spied my cousin at the dorm’s front door. I pointed at him like DeCaprio points at his TV. My cousin looks up and points at me. I spy a parking spot at the end of the row. I back Cartolo Colon into the spot, pop the hatch. And got to spend 45 minutes chatting with the whole family. Offering regrets for being a bad NYC host (you know … cause I have a 9 month pregnant wife who’s meditating 24 hours a day and drinking only water with the essence of celery to keep her blood pressure just below the number that means we have the kid right then and there during a global pandemic and between two hurricanes.) (Maybe I am being too hard on myself.)

Regardless, move in went great. It feels like I got an 18 year old and a newborn in the same week. I’m super excited to get to see what Charlie does, because I think he’s genuinely going to set the world on fire. And also, can’t wait to see what my kid does. I hope she doesn’t set the apartment on fire.

In the interest of getting this thing out before my kid arrives, I’m going to gloss over the 10 AM Saturday matches. Because in my mind, they didn’t happen.

Aston Villa 1 - Brentford 1

BBC confirms the match happened.

Brighton and Hove Albion 0 - Everton 2

Could Everton be for real?

Newcastle 2 - Southampton 2

One of these teams is really going to wish they had pulled this one out. Those two extra points are going to come in handy. That said, Southampton is making literally everyone look dumb for predicting they’re going to just rollover and get relegated.

Norwich 1 - Leicester City 2

Middleaged wunderkind Jamie Vardy got the early goal and the late assist to be enough to get those Foxes over the line. He did the same for my fantasy team; Jürgen A Regret It.

West Ham 2 - Crystal Palace 2

Man, I really want to like this West Ham team. And I think I could if I could just put a little faith in them. Let’s see a little more, Hammers. Make me come around.

Liverpool 1 - Chelsea 1

One of my favorite social media follows is @elikasadeghi A large portion of that comes from her former pinned Tweet:

How do people who don't watch college football know what it's like to simultaneously feel alive and like you want to die?

I felt that tweet a lot Saturday afternoon.

A timestamped breakdown of how I’d have felt if you offered me a 1-1 draw against Chelsea in this match:

May 22, 2021 5pm until August 28 at 12:30 PM: I’d be happy with it.

Kickoff until 12:52: I’d be OK with it.

12:52 until 1:15: I’d fucking kill for it.

1:15 until now: I’d be miserable with it.

Nothing ruins more lives than expectations. I think it was Anaîs Nin who said, “you do it to yourself, you do. And that’s what really hurts.” But it might have been Radiohead.

Sunday, 29 August

Burnley 1 - Leeds United 1

Who cares? Football is dead to me.

Tottenham Hotspurs 1 - Watford 0

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Son is the sun.
Arise, fair Son, and kill the envious moose hornets ,
Who are already sick and pale with grief

I don’t know how many 1-0 Spurs wins we’re getting where Son Heung-min scores the only goal, but we’re on pace for 38 this year and I am here for it!

Oh yeah. ‘Arry Kane played. He also just showed up to the stadium whistling that song the characters in Looney Toons whistle when they’re looking around the room and acting like nothing happened. He also said to his phone, “Hey, Siri. Remind me to punch my brother in the dick.”

Wolverhamton Wanderers 0 - Manchester United 1

Adama Traoré Traoréd all up and down the field. It reminded me of my high school prom: It was beautiful. It was glorious. It resulted in nothing of consequence.

On the other side of the attractiveness coin, remember in the early 90s when the New Jersey Nets wore light blue tie-dyed jerseys? Yeah, I didn’t know I remember that either, until Man U showed up in these:

It’s enough to make a fellow hope Manchester United never wins a match again.

Christiano Ronaldo is coming back to Manchester United

It’s enough to make a fellow hope Manchester United never wins a match again.

Welcome to our first International Break!

Here’s a thing you need to know about professional footballers: All they really want to do is play footy for their countries. And, good thing, because their international teams really want professional footballers playing footy for them.

It’s such an ingrained thing, that the leagues actually build it into their schedules every year. It’s amazing how both these sides realize instead of hoarding, they can share and grow the pie for everyone. The Premier League has 4 such International Breaks built into this year’s season, they are:

• August 30 to September 8, 2021. (Perfect time to have a baby.)

• October 4 to 13, 2021.

• November 8 to 16, 2021.

• March 21 to 29, 2022.

And, for the most part, in non-pandemic years, this works pretty well. National football associations (England’s FA - the Football Association. Our United States Soccer Federation) are able to schedule friendly exhibitions (which they call … wait for it … “friendlies.”) in these windows.

Regions of these football associations ladder up into 6 regional administrative bodies.

For European nations, you have UEFA. The Union of European Football Associations.

For South America, you have CONMEBOL. Confederación Sudamericana de Fútbol. (Just go with it.)

For North America you have CONCACAF. The Confederation of North, Central America and Caribbean Association Football.

Africa has CAF. The Confederation of African Football.

Asia has the Asian Football Confederation.

OFC handles what you’d expect from “Oceana,” unless you expect Oceana includes Australia. Because they’re in Asia. (Just go with it.)

In addition to friendlies, international breaks also get used for things like World Cup qualifying. Which brings us to now … one of the most interesting International Breaks ever. The British Government has divided the world into Red, Amber and Green Countries based on their current COVID status.

Green Countries include places like: Austria, Australia, Canada, Denmark, Finland, Germany, Switzerland.

People traveling to and from Green Countries must take a COVID test before leaving and one within 2 days of their return. And that’s it.

On the other end, we have Red Countries. Such as: Argentina, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Egypt and Turkey.

OH SHIT! THOSE ARE SOME BIG FOOTBALL COUNTRIES. OH SHIT! SOME OF THEM HAVE WORLD CUP QUALIFIERS THIS WEEK.

People traveling to and from Red Countries have to take a COVID test on the way out, and must quarantine for quarantine for 10 days.

OH SHIT!

Premiere League clubs are not happy about this, and most are actually blocking their players from going. Many football associations are not happy with this.

But, it gets better. CAF moved their Cup of Nations tournament to run from January 9 to February 6, 2022. (Usually these things are in the offseason, like this year’s Euros, Copa America and Gold Cup) That’s 2 matches for Liverpool, who have 3 African players. (I’m too lazy to look up the other 19 teams, but just assume it’s roughly the same number of matches for every club.) And there’s about 50 African players in the Premiere League. (Sorry for all the parenthesis.)

Arte Johnson finds that very interesting.

The Associations don’t really have a lot of recourse. For the most part, the players seem to be going along with it. But there’s a real chance we won’t get to see Mohammed Salah in a meaningful match for Egypt for another 4 years. And, we didn’t get to see him in the 2018 World Cup because Sergio Ramos is a dirty shitbag that broke his shoulder in the Champions League final and made me cry.

And I am sure there are other sad stories I don’t want to contemplate. Maybe they affect your club.

Colby’s final thoughts

Check on your Arsenal friends. Here’s me reaching out to one of my faves:

Leave your number in the comments to sign up for my patented smack talk text service.

And this is it. The end of my life as a non-parent. Wednesday or Thursday, our little bundle of joy will bundle into our lives and we’ll wonder what the fuck we ever did before and how the fuck we ever took sleep, booze or spare cash for granted.

I have several more thoughts, but those will have to be saved for another time. Or maybe one of you will make a comment that lights the right fuse. At some point in this break, I am going to kick out an explainer on England’s football pyramid.

All parenting tips are welcomed.

Take care of yourself. And each other.

-Colby