Hello, my friends.
Sure. You’re right. Most of Week 17 came in December, but we get a doubly postponed match this weekend. So if you feel like you've lived this day before a few times, I don’t know what to tell you.
Let’s jump into the matches before we get into the real meat of the week.1
Saturday, February 5
1:00
Burnley - Watford (Peacock)
OK, I cannot confirm this match is on Peacock, but I think it is. Maybe. Well, it’s definitely on Peacock, but it might be on another stellar network in the NBC galaxy.
*checks notes* Every network in the NBC galaxy is taken up with Olympics coverage? Good lord. THEY EVEN GOT REBECCA LOWE? Oh, fuck off. This is too much.
So, it seems there’s not a lot of excitement about this match between the worst team in the league and the second worst team in the league. So I guess I’ll be hate watching it alone then. FINE.
(Side note: I do love curling and short track speed skating. The rest of these crummy sports can fuck right off.)
This week in the FA Cup
Fine. Let’s turn our attention to a family of networks with their head screwed on straight. ESPN.
This weekend, we’ll whittle the field from 32 to 16. Most of the 16 matches are … uhhh … expected to be pretty one sided. I will call out 4, though that are interesting or potentially interesting.
Friday, February 4
3:00
Man U - Middlesborough (ESPN+)
United will either put up 6 goals, or they’ll slip up. Slightly interesting also because it’ll be 3 pm on the first Friday after Dry January. That’s going to be bourbon in that coffee mug for every Zoom meeting after that for me.
Saturday, February 5
10:00
Everton - Brentford (ESPN+)
The Frank Lampard (more on that, later) - Dele Alli (more on that, later) Era begins for the Toffees. The Christian Eriksen (more on that, later) comeback tour begins for the Bees. Jesus Christ we are in the wildest version of the timeline. It would be understandable if this were to not go well for Everton; after all, they’re a crummy team. And understand I will find that funny as hell if they drop this game.
Sunday, February 6
7:00
Liverpool - Cardiff City (ESPN+)
I’ve said this a dozen times, but every winter, there’ll be a 7 am Liverpool match, and it’s just the best.
You’re freezing your ass off walking to the pub because you’re dressed mostly for the heat of the bar. And soccer shirts aren’t built for single digit temperatures.
The streets are empty. No sane people are up at 6:50 on a Saturday morning. (Just joggers, but I repeat myself.) And it’s gray.
And then you crack open the door to the pub. The heat fogs your glasses. Everyone is there. There’s glasses clinking. The talking heads are talking. People call your name. The electricity in the air cracks. You know there is no other place to be.
It’s like the Wizard of Oz going from black and white to color. I love it.
Oh yeah, Luis Diaz might be making his Liverpool debut. More on that later.
11:00
Nottingham Forest - Leicester City (ESPN+)
Nottingham Forest2 looked really good knocking off Arsenal in the last round. Leicester has looked like they’ve been buried in a carpark for 530 years. This is probably the best shot we’ve got for a Premier League club to stumble.
Here’s an annual highlight
Somehow, this fellow traveler’s annual post always ends up on my radar without me looking for it. It’s never disappointed.
Here’s a couple of doozies:
The number of people born in Antarctica (11) is fewer than the number of people who have walked on the Moon (12).
The market for table saws is $200-400 million but they cause almost $4 billion in damage annually.
Cannabis delivery isn’t legal in Maine, so this enterprising online shopemploys “psychics” to “find a wide selection of your lost weed and drop it off at your home”.
There are three different types of fun. “Type 2 fun is miserable while it’s happening, but fun in retrospect.”
I saw Type 2 Fun open for Industrial Shithouse at Wembley.
Let’s be Frank
Everton have really named Frank Lampard to be their new manager. Frank becomes the 6th full-time manager for Everton in 6 years. Yeeeesh. Maybe start with the man in the mirror, guys.
Wooof. Everton are just 4 points away from the relegation zone. Frank has to win, and he has to win now. This is like the Bad News Toffees. I almost can’t even watch. Somehow, I will find the strength to soldier on. Because Jordan Pickford tending goal in the Championship will be delicious.
This could work out. Then again, I could also work out. In theory.
In one way of counting, this (plus Watford firing Claudio Renieri) will make the 30th Premier League manager this year. However, that doesn’t count the occasional matched managed by an understudy due to the regular manager having Covid, like when Pep Lingers took the reins for Klopp against Chelsea.
Good lord. This is higher turnover than an advertising agency.
Transfer Window
Twice a year I am reminded of just how arcane and byzantine the whole transfer process is. It lends footy coverage all the airs of credibility of a gossip rag. College football recruiting news is far more reputable.
That said, it gives me something to recap. To illustrate, let’s start by talking about something that didn’t happen.
Fabio Carvalho did not get sent to Liverpool. He did not get sent to Liverpool because Fulham and Liverpool didn't get the paperwork completed in time because Fulham wanted Liverpool to loan him back to Fulham until this season was completed. They missed by minutes, apparently. And, what’s even more crummy: there’s two hours of bonus time for transfers between Premier League teams. It doesn’t apply between teams in the Premier League and the Championship.
Let’s talk about something else that didn’t happen:
Jesse Lingard didn’t transfer from Man U to Newcastle because the Man U board stepped in at the last minute and blocked it. I’m wondering if more clubs won’t adopt this sort of strategy with the Saudis. “You’ve got endless money? Let’s make everything more and more expensive for you.”
To be fair this is also kind of the theory I had about how MLB teams would deal with the Astros. Dick ‘em over on every trade and then low ball all their free agents. Results are still pending, but it seems one learning is I am more vindictive than 29 MLB front offices.
Let’s talk about something I can’t believe happened:
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang apparently willed his transfer to Barcelona. As my friend and reader Lauren said, “Aubameyang basically pulled a George Costanza and showed up to a place where he didn’t have a job and just pretended he was hired.” AND IT WORKED.
I suppose the biggest splash was made by Liverpool snagging Luis Diaz right the hell out from Spurs. (Sorry, Greg Pizzo.)
There’s really too much movement to list it all out. I’ll refer you here for the comprehensive list: Link
But I will say just one more thing …
It’s mourning in America?
American exceptionalism
Thank you, Canada, for reminding the world that you’re #1 in the Concacaf standings for a reason. That 2-0 win over the US was as thorough as Maude Lebowski’s doctor.
Tonight the American Men are back in action playing Honduras in a -8 wind chill in St. Paul because … well … for no good reason.
Look out below.
As always, take care of yourself, and each other.
-Colby
No shitty former NYC Mayors were harmed in the making of this newsletter.
Or, again, as my wife referred to them “Robin Hood.”
Who thought playing outdoor soccer matches in Canada and Minnesota the week of Jan 31 was a good idea?
I am absolutely going to write a song called “Type 2 Fun” … I’ll send you a demo when it’s done if you like, so you won’t have to wait for the studio version