Hello, my friends. And happy new year.
It’s week 1 of 2022, obviously. It’s also week 1 of my life as a working parent. And boy are my arms tired.
The holiday catchup
We had a (grand(mother)in-law) visit planned for Christmas Eve to New Years Eve here in NYC. We also had a sister/aunt planning on joining us to sort of split that (grand(mother)in-law) in half. Figuratively.
Positive Covid tests on the sister/aunt side meant we had (grand(mother)in-law) all to ourselves. It wasn't horrible. But it was ~kind of all consuming I guess is the right word? And then I found myself sliding into the work week for the first time in 4 months. Sheeeeesh.
Whilst I was on an unexpected break, I we also had a COD-Greg Pizzo Derby. That was fun right? Which is also now, I guess sort of a gathering of second favorite teams around Castle Black.
I also had my annual doctor’s appointment that featured the following fun sentences:
“I guess you’re here because of these two hernias?” (I was not. In fact, that was how I learned I have two hernias. Ain’t that some shit?)
“45 is the new 50.” (Doc meant this in terms of getting a colonoscopy scheduled. Not in terms of aging. I still told him to fuck off. If you’re scoring at home, this is, in fact, the second doctor I told to fuck off of my paternity leave. That’s a new league record!)
But before we get going, I want to start a new feature:
My oldest unread browser tab for the week
I click on a lot of things. Not like my parents do, mind you. But I read a lot of interesting headlines that I click and just never read. My constant 700 open browser tabs have driven so many people nuts. But it serves me well. Or it doesn't really.
So, in the hopes of someone getting something out of these, I’m going to share my oldest browser tab here, and then I’m closing the damned thing because I clearly wasn’t getting to it.
Here we have a link from Fatherly. It’s Questions to Ask Your Grandparents.
I first opened this link in October. Before all the grandparents came to visit. Thinking it would spur some needed conversations amongst those folks. But, alas, I never read it. Here it is, in all its glory.
My One Shining Moment Turned 16
January 4th marked the 16th anniversary of possibly the greatest moment of my life. Sixteen years (and one night) ago. USC and Texas met in the Rose Bowl. Some still call it the greatest college football game ever. And with all due respect to so many games of the century, I have to believe it’s true.
To the world, that year, there was on steady drumbeat: we’re going to coronate USC champions again. ESPN was insufferable. All. Damned. Year. Long.
I knew Texas would win that game.1 I knew it the whole season. I had no fear of two time defending national champions since the summer of 1996. In that year, I was sitting in my living room, looking at the pocket football schedule every business in Austin kept at their register. “Oh, cool. They put the Big 12 Championship game on the calendar. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can go to St. Louis and watch Nebraska destroy us?”
“But what if we win?” my roommate said.
From that moment on, Dave and I were going to that game. There were just too many goosebumps and tingles at the mere delectable thought of winning that game to not go and see what might happen.
Steeler Roll Left happened.
Back to the 2006 Rose Bowl. I found myself working a fairly terrible gig with terrible vacation policies. Which is to say I didn’t really have any. Also, I was paid hourly. Also, the 2006 Rose Bowl was on a Wednesday. Which sure looked like missing 3 days of work right after having missed a whole lot of work for the holidays.
I also found myself with a best friend that worked for the Oakland Raiders at the time. Towards the end of the semester, as the USC-Texas matchup was getting all but assured, Zac rounded up all the Raiders interns and gave them one final project: Find Rose Bowl tickets for me and my friends at face value.
One of his interns played softball for Washington, and she knew, at that time, that the Pac 10 and Big 10 conferences ran the Rose Bowl. She also knew that, regardless of the participants, each of those schools got a small allotment of tickets to the game. Raiders interns start phone banking. I get a call from Zac about a week before the game. They'd gotten 12 tickets. They’d only needed 11. There was one for me, and it came from the Oregon Board of Regents.
I said yes even though the ticket didn’t really fix my problem. I still had to either find a new job in a week with a better vacation policy or …
And I swear to God this is true. A radio commercial came on for a chartered flight that left at 6 am, bussed you straight to the Rose Bowl, bussed you back to the airport after the game and flew you straight back to Austin. Their only hitch? It didn’t include a ticket to the game. Exactly the kind of hitch I needed.
I was in. Called in sick on gameday with a 6 am voice mail (totally normal behavior).
The rest of the day was just a blur. I kept wandering around the Rose Bowl parking lot and bumping into people I knew … one after the other. I don’t think heaven is real, but if it is, it’s wandering around the Rose Bowl parking lot and running into friends who just hand you beers.
At one point in there, my friend Kristal and I were joking that we were about to bump into Matthew McConaughey. So we’re standing in line at the port-o-potties. Being a gentleman, I let Kristal go first. While waiting for her, the door to the left opens up, and McConaughey walks out. I managed to snap a picture of the two of them. They both looked shocked to be there. The picture has been lost to the sands of time. So just imagine it real hard.
So then, we get to our seats. Hadn’t really spent a ton of time studying the seating map, which just makes it even better when you turn up at the 45 yard line in the second row. Nor had I planned to be 6 rows in front of Snoop Dogg and Warren G.
And when USC scores with 6:42 left to go up 12, I hadn’t planned on being the focal point of the USC bench’s celebration on account of my voice carrying. Carrying a lot.
And when that clock hit 00:00 I hadn’t planned on bawling my eyes out. Which is not true. I knew I would bawl my eyes out.
I type all these things not as an act of bragging. But genuinely hoping everyone that ever picks a team in any sport gets one day like that. Just one is all you need. It changed my life. Made me a better person. Made me a more patient person. Made me a more gracious person. Made me far more empathetic.
This was also the birth of my $175 rule. Face value for those Rose Bowl tickets was $175. And now, to this day, if something costs $176 or more, I pause and think, “could this really bring me more joy than the 2006 Rose Bowl did?”2
Standings
It’s getting late, but I spent way too much time futzing around with these low …. nope … no fi standings tables I really just screenshotted out of Google sheets because I couldn’t figure out a better way to do this. Humor me.
Here’s the table you’re used to seeing:
OK, great. But there’s been so many games postponed and so many games in hand, I don’t think we’re talking about them right. At least I haven’t seen anyone talking about it well. BUT I’M A WORKING PARENT, SO I DON’T HAVE LOTS OF TIME.
Some folks just act like those make up games are an automatic three points. Risky. I think a better way to look at it is Points Per Match. Which looks like this:
Look at that movement in the top 4!
Also, it’s worth noting that you can split this into home and away matches … multiply each by 19 … add those two together, and you get a terribly flawed model for predicting the table at the end of the season, if every team keeps performing home and away exactly as they have to this point in the season. Like so, where XP is expected points. XPH is expected points from home matches and XPA is expected points from away matches …
And really, what could possibly disrupt this clearly flawed model?
Africa Cup of Nations
Oh. That thing.
The tournament is upon us. I again, obviously, approach everything from a Liverpool perspective. And that’s been pretty doom and gloom about this tourney. Losing Salah, Mane and Keita in the middle of a run … devastating.
Perspective is always a good thing.
Arsenal
Thomas Partey (Ghana)
Mohamed Elneny (Egypt)
Pierre Emerick Aubameyang (Gabon)
Nicolas Pepe (Ivory Coast)
Omar Rekik (Tunisia)
Aston Villa
Mahmoud Trezeguet (Egypt)
Bertrand Traore (Burkina Faso)
Brentford
Frank Onyeka (Nigeria)
Brighton
Yves Bissouma (Mali)
Ulrick Eneme Ella (Gabon)
Burnley
Maxwel Cornet (Ivory Coast)
Chelsea
Edouard Mendy (Senegal)
Crystal Palace
Cheikhou Kouyate (Senegal)
Jordan Ayew (Ghana)
Wilfried Zaha (Ivory Coast)
Everton
Alex Iwobi (Nigeria)
Leeds United
No players
Leicester
Daniel Amartey (Ghana)
Nampalys Mendy (Senegal)
Wilfred Ndidi (Nigeria)
Kelechi Iheanacho (Nigeria)
Liverpool
Mo Salah (Egypt)
Naby Keita (Guinea)
Sadio Mane (Senegal)
Manchester City
Riyad Mahrez (Algeria)
Manchester United
Eric Bailly (Ivory Coast)
Hannibal Mejbri (Tunisia)
Newcastle United
No players
Norwich
No players
Southampton
Moussa Djenepo (Mali)
Tottenham
Pape Matar Sarr (Senegal) (Out on loan)
Watford
William Troost-Ekong (Nigeria)
Adam Masina (Morocco)
Imran Louza (Morocco)
Ismaila Sarr (Senegal)
Emmanuel Dennis is not expected to play for Nigeria after Claudio Ranieri suggested the county had missed the deadline for informing Watford. Not really sure how that gets messed up with they had to also inform them about William Troost-Ekong, but whatever. I fuck things up all the time.
West Ham
Said Benrahma (Algeria)
Wolves
Romain Saiss (Morocco)
OK, I gotta go to bed. It’s the only time the kid hasn't been crying all day.
Take care of yourselves, and each other. And tell me where you were when Vince Young slayed the mighty Trojans.
-Colby
In fact, I was more worried USC would slip up somewhere and there’d be some (if not official) split national championship.
To this day, I believe I have only ever attended three events where the tickets cost more than $175 each:
My wife got us tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Beacon, and she would only say it was more than my magic number.
I also spent a little more than $175 to see Tom Petty three weeks before he died.
And I think I spent slightly more than $175 to see Dolly Parton and Chic play the Nile Rodgers Foundation.
Only Dolly Parton got close to giving me more joy than the 2006 Rose Bowl. She’s a goddamned angel.
Week 1.
Happy New Year!
1) That 4th and 1 pass against Nebraska is one of my favorite sports memories ever. I had no rooting interest in the game, but that play was awesome. Awesome!
2) The 2006 Rose Bowl is also up there on my list of sports memories, also with me not having a rooting interest either way. That final play is one for the ages. (Every team I support is a constant source of pain and sadness; I live only vicariously through the happiness of others.)
3) Yes, Frank. We get it. The whole town gets it. Newcastle have been bad. But you didn't need to put them in the bottom position *twice* in the same image. That's just being mean. :-)
https://i.imgur.com/2F9AtI6.png
Watched the game from my couch. No rooting interest but was happy with the result.
Thanks for the no fi standings. You did that just to show that Spurs should be Top 4, but will find some heart wrenching way to end up 7th, right?